The Murphy Boys

Shiya has a facebook page and about 80 friends.  Believe it or not these are all family or close friends and all know Shiya well.  Some live in Minneapolis but most live all over the US, some in other countries.  Once a week or so we we log onto facebook and look at the photos of people we love and read about what’s happening to them.  Sometimes people post a photo of fun video for Shiya and we look at those.  I always ask if he wants to say anything to any of his  friends of family.  I never coerce him to do this nor do I edit his words.  So if you get  fb message from Shiya yo be sure it’s really from  him!

Today we logged on and there a lot of photos of Ayrie.  When we came this this photo he told me he wanted to say something and he started singing.  If I stopped typing he would stop too and say, “I’m not done, mom!  Keep typing.”  This is what he sang:

 ”I love you Ayrie, so much! So much, everywhere. And I just love you. I keep just loving you now. I keep loving you so much. And you love me too too. And I love you too. Ayrie and me have angels that love us. And we sleep and the angels take us anywhere and everywhere that we want to go.

So we go anywhere, anywhere in the city, or in Africa. Even if it’s dangerous, we can go. We can just go in the car to watch the dangerous animals. There’s so much love. And everywhere there is love so we get so, so, so much love everywhere. So much everywhere.

And also you get the love. And we make the love. Our hearts make the love. And you and me have love. And you and me have love. There’s so much everywhere!! So everywhere goes love. Everywhere goes love. Everywhere goes looooove. Everybody’s got love.

You even get love on an airplane. you got really quick on the airplane before it goes away. But you have to put on your buckles and not stand up. You have to sit down and only get up to go potty. You can go poo poo or pee pee but you have to wash your hands. You have to wash your hands. You have to wash your hands before the airplane lands.”

Am I lucky or what to have this shining soul as me son?!

xoxoxo

nora

I never though I would be writing this post.  I never thought that I would be able to say that when I thought of Ayrie I would cry tears of graditude instead of tears of grief.

Today I was getting into my car to leave for my shamanic soul retrieval I stopped because wasn’t sure what I should listen to in the car to “get my head into the right space”.  Silence maybe?  Drumming? Meditative music?  Definitely not news and probably not one of my audio books…. And then all of the sudden I heard music.  I looked around and realized that my ipad had started playing Mozart’s Requiem.  I listened to this opera every day for months after Ayrie died.  I would light some candles, let the music carry me and just sob.  Sometimes on the floor, sometime just frozen, starting at the candle flames.  So when my ipad started playing this piece all by itself today I interpreted it as Ayrie telling me “I am with you today”.

And as I heard the Requium’s familiar voices and instruments something in me shifted and I started to cry.  My words here are inadequate.  I want to try to describe what it feels like to discover that our physical world isn’t all there is to know.  I want to try to explain all the synchronicity in my life, (especially over the last several weeks), and how I now understand what it  means when people say we are all connected.  I want to try to describe what a spiritual awakening feels like and  how it’s so beautiful that I sometimes can’t even handle all of the sensations.  How the pace of change is exponential.  The more I open I become the faster I become open.  What it feels like to go from feeling apathetic about life to feeling honored to serve a greater purpose.

I truly believed that if Ayrie hadn’t died, and if he didn’t ask me to be open to his return (http://murphyboys.org/2010/11/30/ayries-last-day-part-iii/), that I would still be that apathetic person who scoffs at those who” delude themselves” with spiritual nonsense.  But I feel excited now.  Life is amazing and I truly feel that my life is about take some wonderful and amazing turns.  I walk around with a sense of eager anticipation. It’s such a gift to be able to live life in this way.  To realize that I am a tiny part of something infinite and that every tiny part is important. And to know that Ayrie and other spirit guides are by my side to help me ‘see’ more clearly.

So today I cried humble tears of gratitude.  I am grateful to Ayrie. I am grateful to you.  You who have read my posts over the past sixteen months and let me know that I’m loved.  Who let me know that I could never fall too far because you are here to catch me, to send me notes, to hold my in your prayers, to send my blankets full of hugs, to send flowers…. You who has sent me private emails of your own spiritual awakening to let me know I’m not crazy… You who has told my how me and my family have impacted your life…You who encourages me to keep writing.

I love you all with my ever expanding heart.

xoxoxo

nora

Last nigh I woke up at 1:05am from a deep sleep and had a work in my mind, ‘lightworker’.  So I sat up, grabbed the ipad, opened the google  screen and typed ‘lightworker.’  There were over 3 million hits!  i read through the top 20 hits and came to understand that ”Lightworkers” are understood to be:

Souls who carry the strong inner desire to spread Light – knowledge, freedom and self-love – on earth. They sense this as their life purpose. They are often attracted to spirituality and to healing work of some kind.”  

It was so strange to read this because it felt familiar and true.  And then I remembered, ‘Nora’ means light!  What does Frances, my middle name, mean?  I had never looked it up before but it means ‘of france’ or ‘free’. (Good job naming me, mom and dad!)

I fell asleep happy and content, like I understand my purpose in this life a bit more clearly. Or am remembering it more clearly.  Or and more confident about my understanding.  Maybe all of the above.

For the past 15 months my blog has been on from the heart and about my unfolding inner and spiritual life.  By day I am a PhD student in Evaluation Studies.  And my part time job is as an evaluator for the Minnesota Evaluation Studies Institute (MESI).  What is an evaluator?  Great question!  An evaluator can determine the strength and weakness of a program or organization, can establish objectives for it, pinpoint what is missing or needed, develop criteria for how to achieve the goal, and then track the progress being made.  I tend to work with organizations that work with youth and have some sort of social justice work inherent in their mission.  I like to involve the people from the organization being evaluated in the evaluation process so that when the evaluation is over they have more capacity for internal evaluation than before the evaluation started.

There is often too much of a disconnect between these two worlds.  So just for fun, I thought I’d share with you the kinds of things I think about at school and at work.

I am interested in how one evaluates change in complex systems by using the developmental evaluation framework presented by Michael Quinn Patton.  In order to do so, one must understand complexity and/or systems theory.  I don’t know enough about the two theories to distinguish between them in a way that will help my craft my research question.  I do, however, know that two books will be central to my thesis:

• Developmental evaluation: Applying complexity concepts to enhance innovation and use (2010) by Michael Quinn Patton
• Systems concepts in action: A practitioner’s toolkit (2011) by Bob Williams.

I wanted to know how other people were using these texts in their work so I performed an interdisciplinary literature review.

Step One: I did a search for each of the books and then I search for all of the journal articles and books that cited each of these two books.  I found 57 sources that cited that Patton book and 9 sources that cited the Williams book.

Step Two: I read the abstracts for each of these sources and ultimately selected 17 sources that would help me understand the relationship between systems and/or complexity theory and a developmental evaluation framework.

Step Three: I imported each of these sources and their corresponding abstracts into RefWorks and saved them in a folder called ‘Developmental Evaluation’. I was then able to use this folder to export the citations and abstracts that follow in this paper.

Interesting Findings

• The original article about Developmental Evaluation was published by Patton in 1994.  In the following decade, from 1994-2004, people only cited the article 49 times.  Whereas his most recent book about Developmental Evaluation, published in 2010 has already been cited 57 times.  This supports my hypothesis that there is a growing recognition for the role that Developmental Evaluation in complex settings.
• Most of the articles are in the fields of social innovation and public health.  Not surprisingly, these are two fields that work in very complex arenas and that receive a great deal of funding.
• All of the articles that described a government intervention were published in countries other than the United Students.  The United States governments still see Formative and Summative Evaluation as the only two valid frameworks.
• There were very few transferrable models for how one would do Developmental Evaluation using complexity or systems theory.

References

Campbell, D. T. (2011). Assessing the impact of planned social change. Journal of MultiDisciplinary Evaluation, 7(15), 41.

Coryn, C. L. S., Noakes, L. A., Westine, C. D., & Schröter, D. C. (2011). A systematic review of theory-driven evaluation practice from 1990 to 2009. American Journal of Evaluation, 32(2), 199.

Faber, A., & Alkemade, F. (2011). Success or failure of sustainability transition policies. A framework for the evaluation and assessment of policies in complex systems. Paper presented at the Paper Presented at the DIME Final Conference, , 6 8.

Fagen, M. C., Redman, S. D., Stacks, J., Barrett, V., Thullen, B., Altenor, S., & Neiger, B. L. (2011). Developmental evaluation. Health Promotion Practice, 12(5), 645-650.

Foster-Fishman, P. G., & Watson, E. R.The ABLe change framework: A conceptual and methodological tool for promoting systems change. American Journal of Community Psychology, , 1-14.

Funnell, S. C., & Rogers, P. J. (2011). Purposeful program theory: Effective use of theories of change and logic models Jossey-Bass.

Guidel, A. P. (2010). Methods brief: Evaluating system change: A planning guide

Hawe, P., Bond, L., & Butler, H. (2009). Knowledge theories can inform evaluation practice: What can a complexity lens add? New Directions for Evaluation, 2009(124), 89-100.

Huddart, S. (2010). Patterns, principles, and practices in social innovation. The Philanthropist, 23(3)

Hummelbrunner, R. (2011). Systems thinking and evaluation. Evaluation, 17(4), 395-403.

Jones, H. (2011). Taking responsibility for complexity. Paper presented at the Australasian Evaluation Society International.

Jones, H. (2011). Taking responsibility for complexity: How implementation can achieve results in the face of complex problems. No. Working Paper 330).Overseas Development Institute.

McGeary, J.How complexity influences evaluation.

Moore, M. L., & Westley, F. R. (2011). Public sector policy and strategies for facilitating social innovation. Innovation,

Norman, C. D., Charnaw‐Burger, J., Yip, A. L., Saad, S., & Lombardo, C. (2010). Designing health innovation networks using complexity science and systems thinking: The CoNEKTR model. Journal of Evaluation in Clinical Practice, 16(5), 1016-1023.

Patton, M. Q. (1994). Developmental evaluation. Evaluation Practice, 15(3), 311-319.

Patton, M. Q. (2010). Developmental evaluation: Applying complexity concepts to enhance innovation and use. The Guilford Press.

Pell, E. (2006). Relationships matter: How agencies can support family and social network development. Annie E. Casey Foundation.

Tremblay, M. C., & Richard, L. (2011). Complexity: A potential paradigm for a health promotion discipline. Health Promotion International,

Norman, C. D., Charnaw‐Burger, J., Yip, A. L., Saad, S., & Lombardo, C. (2010). Designing health innovation networks using complexity science and systems thinking: The CoNEKTR model. Journal of Evaluation in Clinical Practice, 16(5), 1016-1023.

Patton, M. Q. (2010). Developmental evaluation: Applying complexity concepts to enhance innovation and use The Guilford Press.

Patton, M. Q. (1994). Developmental evaluation. Evaluation Practice, 15(3), 311-319.

Pell, E. (2006). Relationships matter: How agencies can support family and social network development. Annie E. Casey Foundation.

Tremblay, M. C., & Richard, L. (2011). Complexity: A potential paradigm for a health promotion discipline. Health Promotion International.

Williams, B., & Hummelbrunner, R. (2010). Systems concepts in action: A practitioner’s toolkit. Stanford Business Books.

I am seriously dense.  I mean, I get soooo many messages from my internal compass, from my spiritual guides, from family and friends, and yet I am still unable to solve the math problem!  When I read ‘The Way It Is’ the thread I think of my divine purpose.  My ‘work’ in this lifetime.  I’ve always felt clueless as to what it would be, or if I even had enough to give the world to make my work meaningful to anyone.  I wasn’t sure whether I was still holding on to my thread or whether I lost it a long time ago.

So here are some of the variables that are finally aligning for me. And yes, this hit me in a flash at the water park today.

X- I knew as soon as I started working with kids, at the age of 18, that I wanted to be a foster parent some day.  But somehow the time never seemed right.  I have started the application in more than one state but never followed through with it.

Y- I have been through a lot of crap.  More than many people my age born into a stable, loving middle class white family.  Some crap of my own making, other seemingly from no where, like I’m fulfilling a bad karmic debt.  (Or at least that’s what I used to think).

Z- Ayrie is a powerful healer, but works from the other side.  He chose me to work with and work through.

A- The healer I visited in NH, Marie, told me:

• A1- My internal power comes from the divine mother
• A2- My role in this life is ‘wounded healer’
• A3- Ayrie thinks I am brilliant (blush) and that my intellect is an important ingredient
• A4- My life is going to take a public turn where i will serve to be an inspiration.
• A5- I am seriously protected, in this realm and in the spiritual realm.

I stumbled upon this blog post and I love this list.  I think about all of the qualities in myself and in my interactions with other but I think it would have taken me a long time to name all of these qualities.  This is a great list for reflecting on a moment, on a day, on the way I live my life.  Which one(s) are most important in your life?  Which do you struggle with?  Click here to read the original post by Phil Bolsta.

ACCEPTANCE

Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.      Friedrich Nietzsche

APPRECIATION

People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.  Bonnie Jean Wasmund

COMPASSION

Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions.   Hafiz

DISCERNMENT

If it is not truthful and not helpful, don’t say it.
If it is truthful and not helpful, don’t say it.
If it is not truthful and helpful, don’t say it.
If it is truthful and helpful, wait for the right time.
Buddha

EMPATHY

Suffering and joy teach us, if we allow them, how to make the leap of empathy, which transports us into the soul and heart of another person. In those transparent moments we know other people’s joys and sorrows, and we care about their concerns as if they were our own.  Fritz Williams

GENEROSITY

Do things for people not because of who they are or what they do in return, but because of who you are.
Rabbi Harold S. Kushner

HONOR

Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being.
 Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

HUMILITY

Humility doesn’t mean you think less of yourself. It meansyou think of yourself less.
          Ken Blanchard

INTEGRITY

You may be the only Bible somebody else reads.  Mark Twain

INTIMACY

If you had an hour to live and could only make one phone call, who would you call, what would you say, and why are you waiting?   Stephen Levine

KINDNESS

Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting.   Mother Teresa

LOVE

To love someone means to see him as God intended him.   Fyodor Dostoevsky

REVERENCE

Then it was as if I suddenly saw the secret beauty of their hearts, the depths of their hearts where neither sin nor desire nor self-knowledge can reach, the core of their reality, the person that each one is in God’s eyes. If only they could all see themselves as they really are. If only we could see each other that way all the time. There would be no more war, no more hatred, no more cruelty, no more greed. I suppose the big problem would be that we would fall down and worship each other.   Thomas Merton

Last night I received conformation that things are changing in me!

For as long as I can remember I’ve had a recurring nightmare.  About four nights a week I am murdered (sometimes brutally, always after an exhausting attempt at escape).  Or, if I am not murdered I have to murder someone in order to keep myself and my family alive.  It kills something in side of me to take someone else’s life.  I wake up deeply afraid and exhausted. Often the feeling stays in the forefront of my mind for hours.

Last night I fought back.  I didn’t care if I would lose and end up dead in the end, I was not going to let them do this to me! I found a mother and child that they had murdered and left for dead. I found them help and a safe place to rest and  heal and then I went after the murderers (there were 4).  I yelled at them, got in their face, made them back down.  ”What gives you the right to act like this?  Are you hiding behind a wrong someone did to you?  Some trauma from your child hood? etc.  Well deal with is because you can not do this anymore!”  They alternated between viciousness and confusion.  And then I woke up.

I feel so good. I’ve fought back in my dreams before but always while still afraid and never with any effect.  But this time I wasn’t afraid, I fought back, and I felt them beginning to back down.  The first time after thousands of these dreams.  Things really are shifting inside me.

Last night I was meditating as the New Year reached the central time zone.  This is the mantra that developed in my mind and I felt compelled to write it down and share it.  I will use this and grow with it in 2012. Each line lasts for one full breath (in and out).  I mean these words  in the broadest sense possible.  For example…healthy in mind body and spirit…wealthy in friends, family, love, experiences, money, etc.

As I breath in, I am healthy.

As I breath in, I am wealthy.

As I breath in, I am well.

And so it is.

As I breath in, I am blessed.

As I breath in, I am protected.

As I breath in, I am love.

And so it is.

As I breath in, I deepen my connection

to Ayrie, to spirit,

to god, to the divine.

And so it is.

As I breath in, I trust in mystery.

As I breath in, I trust in love.

As I breath in, I trust in me.

And so it is.

I wrote this morning on facebook, “I have never felt such positivity and peace on a January 1st.”  There are a lot of reasons this is true but there is one that is with me in every moment and in every breath.  I’ll describe it below… and you’ll see how much my thinking has evolved over the last year.  It astounds me, really.

I visited an amazing healer and medium, Marie Olmstead, in New Hampshire.  We spent nearly 3 hours together clearing my energy and talking to Ayrie and my guardian angels.  Is was amazing.  We tape recorded it because Ayrie told Marie “A lot is going to be said today and I want her to forget any of it.” So just minutes into the session Marie left and went out to her care to get a tape recorder.  At some point I am going to sit down and transcribe it.  But for now I am going to share the message that has completely changed my perspective.

Marie told me that Ayrie and I have been together for many lives.  I’m an old soul with a lot of wisdom and power (news to me!) and Ayrie is much older and wiser.  He’s a healer and doesn’t incarnate much.  He tends to do his work from beyond, healing very damaged souls from all over the world.  (This is almost exactly what he told me in a previous dream: http://murphyboys.org/2011/08/).  Wow.  I’m in awe.

He told Marie that he was with me and (and others) at my pre-birth planning session and that I was chosen for something big and hard, and that I needed to go through what I have gone through because I’ll work in this life as a ‘wounded healer’.  He told her that I am on the cusp of beginning my life’s work and that my work is not going to be what I think it’s going to be.  It’s going to be something bigger and more visible, in the public eye.  He said that I was chosen in this life to be a model to others, to inspire.  He also called me ‘sister’ (which actually feels much more right than ‘mother’).  He said I was chosen because he and I work well together, because I have gifts, and because he is able to work with me and work through me.  My PhD is important to what I’m going to do because my intellect is important. (And to think I only joined a PhD program because Ayrie got sick, I lost me job, and I needed student loans as income!)

I feel so blessed to be chosen by Ayrie.  I feel so empowered to know he is there as my brother and partner just on the other side of this realm. I feel so much responsibility to be open and courageous so that he can work through and with me.  And I feel excited.

And it’s this message from Ayrie that gives me so much peace.  (And the angels, but that’s for a different post!)

shiya and I were sitting at logan airport yesterday having lunch before the flight.  we were talking easily and i was teasing him.  he looked up to a spot above and to the right of my head and said, “did you hear that ayrie?  mom called me a goober!” shiya has never talked to ayrie like this before, mid-conversation.

i asked, “is ayrie here with us?”

“yes. so are our angels,” he responded.  ”they are going to fly with us today.”

“really? that’s so cool!” I exclaimed. “do they fly in the airplane with us or outside of it in the sky?”

“inside with us.  well, actually, they can go in and out of the airplane whenever they want to.”

Halfway through the flight we saw a rainbow out the window that stayed with us for at least 10 minutes.  It was a full circle double rainbow.  At first I thought I was imagining it so I had to ask Shiya if he could see it too!  It took my breath away and I felt sure that Ayrie and the angels were saying hi to us.