I wrote this on March 25th, 2011. I found it in my drafts folder, unpublished. I’m glad this message found its way to me again. —— Yesterday was bad. Scary bad. But as always, a lot of people came through for me right when I needed them to. Part of what’s been hard is that Ayrie used to come to me a lot and recently he’s been largely absent. It’s like losing him again. I close my eyes and I don’t see him very often. I was up most of…read more
Roots. I’m growing them, and it terrifies me. This isn’t where I want to land. The winters are too long, dark, and cold. I feel like tense from October through May. Hunched over. Protecting myself from a chill that has already found a home in me and never actually goes away. Or at least, not until June. Even in the hottest shower, in a sauna, in a room with the heat blasting, my bones feel cold at their core. I love with color, heat, laughter, music, spice, and a bit…read more
My body is starting menopause. Or perimenopause. Or whatever you want to call it. They are clinical words that don’t begin to convey what a human experience it is. What a female experience. My body has ovulated and menstruated on schedule for thirty years. And now it’s decided to stop being reliable and begin the slow but erratic decline into the time in my life when I can no longer produce life. That first part I just wrote? That was me. But by the end of that short paragraph the…read more
Over the last few weeks I have received so many signs from the universe to start writing again. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned on this journey since Ayrie’s passing, it’s that I need to listen to these signs.
To know Richard and Christa is to love them. they are two friends of mine so generous in spirit that they continue to amaze and humble me. Richard had just started working with me at perspective charter schools when shiya was born and ayrie was diagnosed. We ended up in a situation where the kids were kicked out of their daycare and i couldn’t find a new one. I was new enough at my job that I was afraid I would lose it if I took too much time off….read more
Many of you know that this Saturday, September 29th, marks two years since Ayrie’s unexpected passing. People have been sharing thoughts and words with me this week and it means so very, very much to me. Here is a quote shared with my by a friend: The Divine Reality is Unthinkable, Limitless, Eternal, Immortal and Invisible. The world of creation is bound by natural law, finite and mortal. The Infinite Reality cannot be said to ascend or descend. It is beyond the understanding of man, and cannot be described…read more
Forgive my audacity for saying this- but I’m smart. We all have a multitude of gifts and I think this is one of my strongest gifts- or at least the one that’s the most accessible to me. So I’ve followed that path… school, school and more school. I sit at my computer day and night (no really- I do this quite a bit) and I combines words and ideas. Sometimes I struggle, but sometimes I put together an idea that is simple and elegant. Â I love those moments. For example, I…read more
In 24 hours- my whole world can turn around. Spiritual community, a walk, music that directs me inward, a breeze, alone time. Turning off the computer and thoughts of work. Sitting by the lake tonight….I feel you Ayrie. I feel you here. I see you in the golden light playing in this perfect breeze. I see you in the water light that dance on the surface of the lake. I feel you in my center, in my soul, and I remember that you are always here. When I work too…read more
Last night Shiya turned to me and said with pure delight, “Guess what mom! Sonjie didn’t die!” “Sonjie from school?” I asked. “Yes, she didn’t die!” he repeated excitedly. “Oh sweetie, why did you think she died?” “Well, she didn’t come to school for a long time so I thought she died but guess what? She just was on vacation!” “Were you upset when you thought she had died?” “No, but I’m really happy that she didn’t.” And that’s the world that my sweet 4-year old lives in. In…read more
I didn’t mean to fall in love with pinterest, but I did. For the most part I don’t collect images of projects, houses or clothing. No, I use it to collect colors and images that reach deep into my sole, that give me a sense of peace, wonder, or healing. One of my boards is called ‘Grief, Loss and Healing’ (http://bit.ly/GLHealing) and this is one of my favorite images. It reminds me of Ayrie who said once, “What’s the most I can love you?” “Too infinity, I guess.” I said,…read more
