The Murphy Boys

I have written so many times about balance, right? Well this is one of the times that I think I did it! So just a quick post to celebrate.

This weekend marked two years since Ayrie’s passing. And I will tell you that it feels more like two months. It is raw and painful. Rarely does an hour pass that I don’t think about Ayrie. about how he should be here, how part of me… the very essence of me and Shiya and our family…is gone.

So rather than stay in MN and feel frenzied by work and pressured to respond to emails, I took off to Arizona with Shiya, Emily, Ian and Ada. I set the “Out of Office” response on my email and I just surrendered to the desert. I felt peaceful and grounded. Open and aware. The sounds, smells and colors of the desert are so healing to me.

So this morning when I was up before dark working? I was not resentful at all. I was happy. I feel like I am doing work that I care about AND I am learning how to care about something much more important. Me.

Many of you know that this Saturday, September 29th, marks two years since Ayrie’s unexpected passing.  People have been sharing thoughts and words with me this week and it means so very, very much to me. Here is a quote shared with my by a friend:

“The Divine Reality is Unthinkable, Limitless, Eternal, Immortal and Invisible. The world of creation is bound by natural law, finite and mortal. The Infinite Reality cannot be said to ascend or descend. It is beyond the understanding of man, and cannot be described in terms which apply to the phenomenal sphere of the created world.”

“Nora, as you take your journey [to Arizona] – I want you to realize that you don’t need a journey – you have everything you need to transform, to become, to be amazing right now at this moment. This journey is simply an external extension of the internal work you’ve already been doing. Your son of course will be there – but you don’t need a trip to feel his presence- and you are deeply aware of is. The idea to reflect on is transformation – you have become an amazing woman and yet you’re still living as if that isn’t true in some ways. This journey is about letting old ways of thinking about yourself die. The way you honor others is by allowing your best, most authentic self to show up each and every day. You don’t honor the world by hiding your light – so let it out – because that is where this feeling of stagnation comes from - it comes from you shrinking instead of stepping into your power.

Forgive my audacity for saying this- but I’m smart. We all have a multitude of gifts and I think this is one of my strongest gifts- or at least the one that’s the most accessiblee to me. So I’ve followed that path… school, school and more school. I sit at my computer day and night (no really- I do this quite a bit) and I combines words and ideas. Sometimes I struggle, but sometimes I put together an idea that is simple and elegant.  I love those moments.

For example, I just turned in my written preliminary exams about complexity theory as a way to see the world, and the resulting implications for the field of evaluation (I’m getting my PhD in Evaluation studies). And it just hit me tonight when i was reading a Deepak Chopra book how similar complexity theory and some conceptualizations of spirituality are. Little did I know that my academic and my inner paths were converging in this way.  WHAT?! How did I never see that before? How come I’ve never read someone else making that connection before? Simple. Elegant. Important.

But here’s the problem. I have other gifts too. The gift of intuition and the gift of physical stamina. I find such beauty and insight at the depths of my soul and at the top of a mountain. But i almost never use these gifts because I so totally and completely privilege my intellect.  So when I wrote in my post yesterday that I reject fear? Fear of what will happen if I deviate from the obvious path? As I explored this idea further I also mean  that I reject my fear of giving equal importance to mind and spirit. Because when I do, my life will shift in radical ways.

In 24 hours- my whole world can turn around. Spiritual community, a walk, music that directs me inward, a breeze, alone time. Turning off the computer and thoughts of work.

Sitting by the lake tonight….I feel you Ayrie. I feel you here. I see you in the golden light playing in this perfect breeze. I see you in the water light that dance on the surface of the lake. I feel you in my center, in my soul, and I remember that you are always here.

When I work too much I feel sad, lonely, and alienated. I mean-it’s bad. (check out yesterday’s post to understand). When I take time to find Ayrie to look within, to just be, I am full of joy because I remember all over again that I am one soul connected to many here and beyond. And I know that I am never alone.

Balance, Nora.

Like the quote I copied from Deepak Chopra’s book tonight (paraphrased): Choose fear if you want to struggle and barely survive. Choose to know yourself if you want insight guided by intuition. Choose love if you want to heal other and yourself. Choose to Be to appreciate the infinite scope, beauty and magnificence of god, of the universe.

I reject fear. Fear of not having enough. Fear of what will happen if I deviate from the obvious path. Tonight I embrace joy and intuition.

Excuse my language, but check out this “stages of grief” bullshit. Really? Return to a meaningful life characterized by employment, self-esteem and meaning? It’s amazing that this model has been the dominant model since the 1960′s.

September 29th marks 2-years since Ayrie’s death and I miss him  so much sometimes that it takes away my breath, my will to live.

Last night I had a dream about him. He came back. But no one cared. Everyone forgot about him. They were going on with their lives around me. No one would listen. No one would look our way.

And I didn’t even get a chance to hold  him. I should have done that first. But I didn’t. And I woke up. I would give anything to hold him, even if just in my dreams.  He’s only in my dreams every four months or so and it always feels so real.

I miss you so much Ayrie. There is no way that this grief ends, or that there is a “Return to meaningful life” after “Acceptance.”

At my age people are married and settled down. I feel uncomfortable and out of place. No man loves me. I’m not sure if one ever has. So Shiya loses out on a brother and a father. And he has a mother fighting through grief. I am so sorry Shiya. I am so very, very sorry.

For just a few months I had a friend who made all of this bearable.  I even felt happy again. I felt myself healing. It was as though he was a gift from the universe and he held me, kept me from falling. But I fell for him. And, of course, he didn’t feel the same. It was more hurt on top of hurt and I had to run away.

So today I’m mourning the loss of Ayrie, the absence of the love I’ve never had, the family I haven’t been able to build and the friend that meant so much to me.

Oh life- I’m trying- but I feel so lost.

Last night Shiya turned to me and said with pure delight, “Guess what mom! Sonjie didn’t die!”

“Sonjie from school?” I asked.

“Yes, she didn’t die!” he repeated excitedly.

“Oh sweetie, why did you think she died?”

“Well, she didn’t come to school for a long time so I thought she died but guess what? She just was on vacation!”

“Were you upset when you thought she had died?”

“No, but I’m really happy that she didn’t.”

And that’s the world that my sweet 4-year old lives in. In his mind, if someone disappears unexpectedly, then it must mean that they are dead.  The interesting thing? The thing that makes me a little proud and a little curious? It’s pretty matter-of-fact for him.

Proud: We talk so much about how Ayrie is still with us…about how he’s waiting for us, guiding us and loving us “from the sky”…about how we’ll see him again when it’s our turn to die… that the concept of death is not upsetting to him.

Curious: How will this effect him as a person? He’ll grow up with such a different relationship to death than most of us. Nothing to do but wait, watch, and keep following his amazing cues.

I didn’t mean to fall in love with pinterest, but I did. For the most part I don’t collect images of projects, houses or clothing. No, I use it to collect colors and images that reach deep into my sole, that give me a sense of peace, wonder, or healing. One of my boards is called ‘Grief, Loss and Healing’ (http://bit.ly/GLHealing) and this is one of my favorite images.

It reminds me of Ayrie who said once, “What’s the most I can love you?”

“Too infinity, I guess.” I said, still thinking. “Yeah, if you loved me to infinity then your love for me would never end.”

I still remember him looking at me over his blankets that night, his brown eyes to wise and loving.  ”Then I love you to infinity,” he said with a satisfied nod. And from then on he was always sure to tell me that he loved me to infinity and I would hug him tight and tell him the same.

And it’s true. Our love for each other had not died since he passed. It feels as strong and powerful as ever. Shiya, who is now four, tells me the same things. Except this time we both know it’s true. We know that Ayrie’s love reaches us from beyond death and that no matter what happens, the three of us will always be connected through love, to infinity.

I cried when I first saw this image which represents the love in my life that crosses boundaries of time and space, that keeps me connected to my baby here on earth and my baby in the sky.

And then there are images like this one (my dad’s painting) with colors so deep and true that they seem to touch and soothe something deep inside me. I collect deep blues, vibrant greens, and burning reds.

Do you have any images that you love? That touch and heal you, if only for a moment? Please share a link, and perhaps even a little explanation.

Love.  xoxo.  nora

I am going to write every day for the next 30 days for at least 20 minutes. I am not sure whether to do this on this blog or on waking lumina but I think I’ll do it here. I am going to be honest. It’s something that’s kept me from writing on here lately. Not sure who is reading, not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings or make anyone feel worried, feel offended, etc. So here’s your warning, for the next 30 days I am going to write a little bit every day, and I am going to be honest about how I am feeling. Okay?

Okay, setting the timer for 20 minutes starting now!

I had a dream last night about Ayrie. It was about him, but I was never able to be with him in this dream.  I think there have only been about three dreams since he died where I was actually able to hold him, touch him, talk to him.

In my dream last night I woke up from a nap and found a message on my phone. It was a call from the preschool saying that Ayrie had not been picked up yet. I looked at the clock and saw in a panic that it was 6:30 PM. Oh no! He had been at the school for over an hour since it closed and no one had picked him up.

But wait. He is dead, right? Or maybe that was a dream? Maybe he is alive? I’m confused. And I a bad mom if I don’t even know if my kid is dead or alive? (This is recurring for me. Dreams where I am not sure if he is actually dead and I have realize all over again that he has in fact died.) But he must be alive if the school called.  So I call the school and there is no answer. I rush over there and not all of the sudden it’s not the afternoon, it’s the morning, and I see Shiya walking into his classroom with his class. I ask them at the front desk where Ayrie is and they tell me that he was too sick so they called a nurse and he was transferred to a hospital.  This makes me feel so confused again. He’s sick? He was never so sick that he couldn’t stay at school. And how do they know the people at the hospital?

I shake my head as if to clear it and realize that these aren’t the right questions to be asking. Instead I realize that if I go find Ayrie I will be late picking Shiya up. Oh, no! Do I have to choose between the two of them? Or is this not a big deal? Again, I feel so confused. But I look at Shiya through a window in his classroom and see how happy, strong and confident he is so I decide to go to Ayrie. When I get to the hospital I can’t find anyone. The rooms look like they are under construction and they are all empty.  There is no nurse’s station.  Where is Ayrie? Again, more confusion.

Finally a nurse comes and finds me and sits me down. She warns me about something, I don’t know what, but I feel a great deal of concern. And then she tells me that Ayrie wanted to give me one message before I entered his room.  She told me not to put the phone on the bed when I am visiting with him. He wanted me to know that the words we were going the share, the time we had together, the messages he wanted to impart on me, were much more important than anything we could learn from that phone. Focus on me and him, not the outside world. I understood what she meant and remembered a visit I had with him where he was all in white, the room was all in white, I might have also been all in white, and I had pulled an old rotary phone off of the bed side table (also white) and put it on his lap just in case we needed to call someone.

And then I woke up. I never did get to see him in this dream. But I woke with the distinct feeling that I am doing too much looking outward and not enough looking inward. I have received this message from him before at different times and in different ways. This time I felt like he was telling me that he’s ready to take me to the next level, ready to work even more closely with me, but I need to work on keeping myself more open than ever. So this month, small chunks of writing, meditating and running each day to see what happens! If you are reading this, thanks for taking this journey with me!!  xoxo nora

Shiya has a facebook page and about 80 friends.  Believe it or not these are all family or close friends and all know Shiya well.  Some live in Minneapolis but most live all over the US, some in other countries.  Once a week or so we we log onto facebook and look at the photos of people we love and read about what’s happening to them.  Sometimes people post a photo of fun video for Shiya and we look at those.  I always ask if he wants to say anything to any of his  friends of family.  I never coerce him to do this nor do I edit his words.  So if you get  fb message from Shiya yo be sure it’s really from  him!

Today we logged on and there a lot of photos of Ayrie.  When we came this this photo he told me he wanted to say something and he started singing.  If I stopped typing he would stop too and say, “I’m not done, mom!  Keep typing.”  This is what he sang:

 ”I love you Ayrie, so much! So much, everywhere. And I just love you. I keep just loving you now. I keep loving you so much. And you love me too too. And I love you too. Ayrie and me have angels that love us. And we sleep and the angels take us anywhere and everywhere that we want to go.

So we go anywhere, anywhere in the city, or in Africa. Even if it’s dangerous, we can go. We can just go in the car to watch the dangerous animals. There’s so much love. And everywhere there is love so we get so, so, so much love everywhere. So much everywhere.

And also you get the love. And we make the love. Our hearts make the love. And you and me have love. And you and me have love. There’s so much everywhere!! So everywhere goes love. Everywhere goes love. Everywhere goes looooove. Everybody’s got love.

You even get love on an airplane. you got really quick on the airplane before it goes away. But you have to put on your buckles and not stand up. You have to sit down and only get up to go potty. You can go poo poo or pee pee but you have to wash your hands. You have to wash your hands. You have to wash your hands before the airplane lands.”

Am I lucky or what to have this shining soul as me son?!

xoxoxo

nora