The Murphy Boys

it has been a long time since i have kept a journal so i’m surprised to find that this blog has turned into a journal of sorts for me last i checked there are about 50 people a day who read this blog. that was a few weeks ago it may be more or less at this point so if you are one of those 50 people, thank you i probably write about 50% of what i think about writing the other 50%… sometimes it’s just that i don’t have…read more

Shiya and I made a salad together for lunch.  As he chewed his spinach he was looking off pensively. “What are you thinking about, sweetie?” I asked. “Ayrie,” replied Shiya thoughtfully, still looking off pensively. “What about Ayrie?” Shiya turned to look right at me and said matter of factly, “people die.” “They do.”  I nodded and then waited to see what he would say next. “Other things die too?” “Yes.  All living things die eventually.” “Like trees?”  Shiya asked? “Yep, like trees” i said encouragingly. “And grass?  And dogs?…read more

Shiya and i took a nap this afternoon and he said, “Look mom, the man was with us while we slept.” “What man?”  I asked. “Don’t you see him?” asked Shiya, pointing up towards the ceiling.  “The man with the hat on?” “No, I don’t.  Why is he here?  Does he want to tell us something?” “No,” said Shiya.  “He just wanted to be with us.  He has to go home now.” Shiya was asking me why I couldn’t see him so I explained that there are some things that…read more

This morning ian, shiya and I went to the Center for Grief, Loss and Transition in St. Paul, MN.  They had an open house from 10am-noon.  The Center is in an old house and feels more like a home than anything else.  There are plants, art, a kitchen, couches, music and books… ian had mentioned it to me yesterday and it wasn’t until I woke up this morning that I decided that I might want to go.  and it’s not even so much that I wanted to go there, but…read more

a lot has happened in the last two weeks… surprise candle light ceremony in my back yard attending a conference that inspired me a physical purging and cleansing meeting a man  (you know, the potential boyfriend kind) and it’s really changed the way the pain feels.  i’ve maybe had three episodes of the sharp suffocating kind of pain.  the kind that takes my by surprise and feels like it may never end.  like i am hyperventilating.  in these moments I used to hate myself and want to die too.  but now i don’t.  i feel stronger.  and…read more

I emailed one of my professors today who has been very generous and flexible with  me.  I found myself rambling but also decided not to censor myself and just went ahead and hit send.  Here were some of my meandering thoughts… I started an essay for class about a month ago about love, as paolo friere writes about it.  i found myself agreeing that love is essential if one is to overthrow their oppressors and retain his or her humanity…but why?  what is it about love that is timeless, enduring and…read more

I am sitting on the airplane, on my way to Houston for the bigTent Conference. I couldn’t access the movie that I downloaded so I played solitaire while we waited for take off, letting my mind wander. I was amazed…even a little pleased… at how steady i was feeling. The last 20 or more flights that I had taken were with Ayrie. And then he was there. Ayrie was with me on take off. I felt him when we gained speed on the runway. It was always his favorite part…read more

tonight my facebook status was “held in the light. the notes, flowers, candles and impromptu fire-lit ceremony in our back yard have lifted my spirits and helped me get back on a path of gratitude and grace. thank you everyone!! xoxo nora” I had one of those mind opening experiences last night I thought a lot today. . . I realized that Ayrie didn’t leave me, I left him.  Over the first six weeks I promised to open my heart, mind and spirit to him and I did it with vigor….read more

Shiya and I watched Babies last night and Shiya was mesmerized.  There’s no dialogue, it’s just scenes of four babies over the first year of their life.  There is so much universality in being a human baby.  The babies were raised in such different environments and year made such similar discoveries and has such similar developmental pathways.  But it struck me how much time the babies in Africa and Mongolia spent in nature.  Playing with dirt, water, animals, sticks…  And by contrast the babies in the US and Tokyo were…read more

Many, many of you have thanked me for being open and honest with my grief and grieving.  This post, for some reason, seems more personal.  More revealing.  But I am going to post it anyway and hope you won’t think less of me.  But if you do… that’s okay.  This is me. Ayrie- why are you leaving me?  It’s only been six weeks and I’m not ready.  In the past I have felt you there buoying me.  Not letting me fall too far.  Counter-balancing my negative thoughts.  Reminding me of…read more