a lot has happened in the last two weeks…
- surprise candle lightÂ ceremonyÂ in my back yard
- attending a conference thatÂ inspiredÂ me
- a physical purging and cleansing
- meeting a man Â (you know, the potential boyfriend kind)
and it’s really changed the way the pain feels. Â i’ve maybe had threeÂ episodesÂ of the sharp suffocating kind of pain. Â the kind that takes my by surprise and feels like it may never end. Â like i amÂ hyperventilating. Â in these moments I used to hate myself and want to die too. Â but now i don’t. Â i feel stronger. Â and Â it actually make the pain sharper, if that makes sense, because it’s more focused. Â focused on missing ayrie. Â and less diffused and confused by my other baggage. Â but it’s also better. Â I know, even in the midst of the worst feelings, that even if I collapse onto the floor in a ball sobbing, that I will be able to get up again.
yeah! good good good.
Feeling the pain really feeling it can feel strong. So glad you are feeling some of that strength part. Sending you love and blessings on this Thanksgiving eve.