a lot has happened in the last two weeks…
- surprise candle lightÂ ceremonyÂ in my back yard
- attending a conference thatÂ inspiredÂ me
- a physical purging and cleansing
- meeting a man Â (you know, the potential boyfriend kind)
and it’s really changed the way the pain feels. Â i’ve maybe had threeÂ episodesÂ of the sharp suffocating kind of pain. Â the kind that takes my by surprise and feels like it may never end. Â like i amÂ hyperventilating. Â in these moments I used to hate myself and want to die too. Â but now i don’t. Â i feel stronger. Â and Â it actually make the pain sharper, if that makes sense, because it’s more focused. Â focused on missing ayrie. Â and less diffused and confused by my other baggage. Â but it’s also better. Â I know, even in the midst of the worst feelings, that even if I collapse onto the floor in a ball sobbing, that I will be able to get up again.