morphing pain

Posted by in letters to the boys

a lot has happened in the last two weeks…

  • surprise candle light ceremony in my back yard
  • attending a conference that inspired me
  • a physical purging and cleansing
  • meeting a man  (you know, the potential boyfriend kind)

and it’s really changed the way the pain feels.  i’ve maybe had three episodes of the sharp suffocating kind of pain.  the kind that takes my by surprise and feels like it may never end.  like i am hyperventilating.  in these moments I used to hate myself and want to die too.  but now i don’t.  i feel stronger.  and  it actually make the pain sharper, if that makes sense, because it’s more focused.  focused on missing ayrie.  and less diffused and confused by my other baggage.  but it’s also better.  I know, even in the midst of the worst feelings, that even if I collapse onto the floor in a ball sobbing, that I will be able to get up again.