Taking the training wheels off
Many, many of you have thanked me for being open and honest with my grief and grieving. Â This post, for some reason, seems more personal. Â More revealing. Â But I am going to post it anyway and hope you won’t think less of me. Â But if you do… that’s okay. Â This is me.
Ayrie- why are you leaving me? It’s only been six weeks and I’m not ready. In the past I have felt you there buoying me. Not letting me fall too far. Counter-balancing my negative thoughts. Reminding me of the strong amazing person that I am.
But you aren’t in me anymore.  Or you are but not in that very present, active way.  It’s like you are watching from afar. Seeing how much I’ve learned.  I’m sorry to disappoint but today I don’t feel like I’ve learned anything. I feel like a big, fat, ugly, repulsive, piece of shit. I feel embarrassed to leave the house. I wonder why people as beautiful as Ayrie and Shiya would be trusted to me. I wonder why people are helping us so much. I want to move away and hide. A different part of the country. A cabin in the woods. No more disappointing people. No more being disappointed. No more failure and rejection. No more taking and not being able to give in return. Just living out life until its over.
Does everyone get to join the light, like Ayrie did? I don’t know… some people I’ve read suggest that it’s a choice you make. I am not worthy of the light. What ever I was supposed to learn in this life, I’m failing. I remember, in an academic way, that I am supposed to learn to believe in myself, in my potential for greatness. In living in the moment with love and good intentions. But I am so disgusted by myself that those seem impossibly far away. Instead I have one dead child and one who would probably be better off without me. I don’t mean that I am going to kill myself or hurt myself, I really don’t. I would never do that to Shiya and I would never dis-honor Ayrie’s memory and gifts in that way. I just mean that I feel so dark and dirty and repulsive inside.
I was writing this sitting at the childcare center waiting for a teacher conference with Shiya’s teacher.  But with ten minutes left the kids came out and tears spranf to my eyes.  I don’t want to cry around the kids because they are so joyful. But watching these kids hurts.  I feel sick to my stomach.  I have to leave.
Okay. I couldn’t stop.  Watching them I had the sudden urge to vomit. So I fled the room and made it to the bathroom just in time.  when I was done I found a quiet spot to wait out the 10 minutes until Shiya’s conference. This kids did’t even know I was there, not to mention how I was feeling. Kids are amazing in that they can truly live in the moment.
As I sit here and wait I still feel physically sick.  Really.  Ill.  How can I have a dead child? Where did all that life go? That beautiful body?
I think winter is affecting me. All of the sudden it’s cold and gray. It’s ugly and dreary. Leaves have fallen. Flowers are gone. Daylight savings happened and now its dark before Shiya even leaves school.  I am not a winter person.
This morning I told Shiya that I felt so lucky to have him. And that felt wrong so I told him that I was so lucky to be his mom. In the first statement it’s more like I own him or that he’s my possession. In the second statement it instead it’s more like he’s a gift to me.
My dear friend Nora. I didn’t come here for just the beauty, the happy, the good moments. I came here to be a friend, to support you. I know you are feeling gray, drowning in it, worrying you will never surface. You ARE surfacing. You are sharing the ugly of the pain- getting it out. Letting us know so we can let you know we are here to hold you a little tighter, to get the wagon, to just sit and SCREAM at the universe for what it has done to you- a BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL, LOVING being that has been ripped to shreds by the death of her child. Know this: Ayrie is still with you. He will forever be in your heart- and it SUCKS that he is not here alive, running, jumping into your arms- but he IS here, sometimes you will just have more trouble hearing him. HUGS
nora, you’re an amazing mother, sister, friend, daughter, and person. i can’t imagine that my words will provide the solace and comfort you deserve right now, but please know that everyone believes…no, KNOWS that about you. you made ayrie’s life (and therefore the lives he touched) infinitely better than anyone could have made it. despite all the pain and difficulty you and the boys faced, you created a healthy family in which they could develop into charming, funny, intelligent, creative, insightful, and loving children. shiya is a beautiful child and he has an amazing mother to thank. i can’t say that enough and i hope you begin to know that again in the very near future and beyond.
Geez, this is so real, so painfully real. It actually makes me feel good to read this not b/c I want such pain for you but because when I read things that are so real it makes me feel alive and not alone. Totally wrong that Ayrie died — that’s what I think. Sending yo hugs.
Nora, Ayrie will always be inside of you. I feel like you need to feel his absence inside you right now in order to grieve his empty space in the active world, to get used to it, to give him the mourning that he deserves. You will feel him buoying you again, I am certain. And you are such an incredible person, such a wonderful mother, such an asset to your family and friends and community and the greater world. I am so sorry you are going through this, I cannot even say. Sending you love…
Nora, you have a light, a warmth, and a gift. Pain feels tremendously deep and strikes your core. I do not know you well, but being near you, Ayrie, and Shiya inspires me to be a better self, parent, member of the community. More in the moment, connected, and mindful. You feel. It may not always be beautiful or joyous. But you inspire through your exploration of life, love, and being. Not how to be perfect. But how to be human. Sorrow, abjection, and pain as much as peace, acceptance, and love. Hugs to you.
Nora- I really love you. I feel like you are my sister. I have an older sister who looks a little like you.. in some ways like you. For a long time, I have so missed meeting people I really like, which happened so much in college, not so much now. so, I’m glad you are here in mpls.
and.. nothing is wasted. Law of energy and motion. I think right now its just horrible I think – but I feel so sure it will get better, so keep on venting. keep on seeing shiya’s eyes in the morning, looking for his mom. and I love you a lot and I am 100% serious that any time -any time at all you want to have a babysitter and go for a long walk there are 2 loving people and 2 little friends ready to take care of and play with Shiya right here.
No one can keep on doing things all the time. and if you want to exercise or do yoga with me or something I could pick you up, sometimes its the body that gets to the brain as well. and you don’t have to be cheerful. I think exercise is important probably, tho it woudl be the last thing I would want to do in yr spot. I know for me personally.
I was actually just thinking about you today. I walked all the way back from a school I visited, like 2 miles and I was wishing I coudl set up a ” take nora out of her brain” regular date. (I was thinking weekly movies at the lagoon). since I know books and movies really transport me. I was vaguely thinking about asking EMily about somethin like that, but it felt kind of forward.
Just keep on writing so that you are getting it out of you.. not just getting worse inside. , and maybe a grief group or helping other people- just something to get through right now that will keep you from things getting dark. something not organized by you ?… maybe counselling?? something for right now.
anyway. much love. why is the world the way it is…
Nora, there are no words that will change anything. Thank you for trusting us enough to share your thoughts, feelings, pain, frustration. I hope that the lights this evening lifted you enough to get a few hours of sleep followed by a safe trip tomorrow. I’m surrounding you with love and light. Remember, “I’ll be back.” He will never leave you.
Nora,
I haven’t known you for long but I can identify with so many things that you say. The horrible nature of a mother is to blame herself. But, you are a role model of a mother. You have given your last ounce in loving your children and caring for them in circumstances that were not easy. You are wise and loving and everyone who knows you (even for 2 months) can see that. One year ago I was 50 pounds heavier and hating myself. I had given so much of myself to care for (emotionally and physically) my special needs child that I was not able to care for myself. I can’t begin to imagine what this experience is like for you. But, I can say that you are surrounded by love. Your little light shines through you. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Like so many others have said, I am here to help or talk. Hugs.