Posted by in letters to the boys

it has been a long time since i have kept a journal

so i’m surprised to find that this blog has turned into a journal of sorts for me

last i checked there are about 50 people a day who read this blog.

that was a few weeks ago

it may be more or less at this point

so if you are one of those 50 people, thank you

i probably write about 50% of what i think about writing

the other 50%… sometimes it’s just that i don’t have time or that i fight the urge to write

sometimes it’s too personal or feels too revealing

but it feels right to be going through this with you

some of you write that you are learning from me.  I am most certainly learning from you.

when i put my feelings into words it makes me think about my feelings more seriously and deeply

when try to explain something its harder to just dismiss that feeling as unimportant or as too hard to face

as i write less about ayrie and more about the growth that shiya and i are experiencing, i feel certain that i will lose some of you

there’s something about grief that is intimate

it touches a core

we all know that some day its something we will experience, if we haven’t already

but what i am going through now…feeling myself connected to the eternal ayrie, to my eternal self, to the universe…

i think it either sounds crazy, boring, scary, sacrilegious, delusional…

so i keep wondering if i will lose some readers

and i wonder if i will gain others

maybe even people i don’t know who for some reason are in the same place or space

so why am i yet again up writing in the dark hours of the morning?

it seems that this is when my learning happens

in a state of semi-sleep

sometimes i have dreams and i half wake to think about those dreams

i learn something and then i wake up with the distinct feeling that i am supposed to write it down

tonight i had two dreams that were very different but had the same message

in real life i felt Be nudging me but she didn’t want to go out

it was like she was waking me up

so i laid back down and closed my eyes and really thought about the dreams

when I finally ‘got it’ i saw a huge flash of white light behind my closed eye lids

and as if that wasn’t enough, i heard a knocking

i knew it wasn’t from my house because it was the sound of knocking on a big old heavy wooden door… thick and heavy like a dungeon or a castle

and now that i think about it, even though i instantly knew the sound of the knock, it was probably only a sound that i have heard in movies

i’m starting to have more confidence in these moments.  It’s like the universe knows I am a pretty dense novice so it gives me exaggeratedly clear signals.  I’ve started to laugh when I see the light and hear the knocking.  I say, sometimes out-loud and always with appreciation, “okay, I get it!”. I think the universe has a sense of humor.  I didn’t know that until I wrote it bit now I feel sure it’s true

And in these moments I want to talk to ayrie

Because where ever he is he gets it

What’s happening to me makes sense.  It’s normal

We could have a conversation about it even though I don’t have any of the right words

I have even found myself searching for my phone, meaning to call ayrie

I said in an earlier post that ayrie seems older and wiser than me now

So when I think about talking to him it’s not a 4 year old that I think of talking to anymore

I am really in need of a spiritual teacher who is actually here on this earth!!

Oh. Shiya is awake!  It’s still early so I am going to try to get him to go back to sleep.

Sweet dreams.