Posted by in letters to the boys

Last night I received conformation that things are changing in me!

For as long as I can remember I’ve had a recurring nightmare.  About four nights a week I am murdered (sometimes brutally, always after an exhausting attempt at escape).  Or, if I am not murdered I have to murder someone in order to keep myself and my family alive.  It kills something in side of me to take someone else’s life.  I wake up deeply afraid and exhausted. Often the feeling stays in the forefront of my mind for hours.

Last night I fought back.  I didn’t care if I would lose and end up dead in the end, I was not going to let them do this to me! I found a mother and child that they had murdered and left for dead. I found them help and a safe place to rest and  heal and then I went after the murderers (there were 4).  I yelled at them, got in their face, made them back down.  “What gives you the right to act like this?  Are you hiding behind a wrong someone did to you?  Some trauma from your child hood? etc.  Well deal with is because you can not do this anymore!”  They alternated between viciousness and confusion.  And then I woke up.

I feel so good. I’ve fought back in my dreams before but always while still afraid and never with any effect.  But this time I wasn’t afraid, I fought back, and I felt them beginning to back down.  The first time after thousands of these dreams.  Things really are shifting inside me.