Posted by in letters to the boys

I had one of those visions the other night.  The visions that are dreams because they happen in my sleep, but feel so very different from a dream.


I was sitting in a living room.  In the dream it was mine but I didn’t recognize it.  Ayrie was sitting on my lap.  He was bigger, limbs longer.  I had my face buried in his hair, my fingers running through his curls, just like I did when I said goodbye to his body.  He was wearing baggy olive green pants and a vintage red mickey mouse shirt that was too small for him.  (Both the shirt and pants were favorites of his and were hand me downs from my friend Joanna.)

‘Is it really you?’ I kept asking him.

“It is, mom. It’s really me.”

“But, I’m confused.  I thought you died.” I feel my heart leap into my throat. “Was that a dream?”

“No, mom. This is the dream.”

Tears silently fall down my cheeks but I don’t notice them.  I’m too focused on Ayrie.

“Why are you here?”

“I wanted you to know why I had to leave.  I’m a helper (or healer?).  There are a lot of people in this world that I take care of and I can’t do it when I’m down here (on earth).  I can’t do my work unless I’m up there.”

I want to argue with him and tell him that I need him. But what he says to me makes sense and I find myself nodding.  I think of all the people I know who have felt his spirit since he passes.  I think of all the people who must feel his presence that I don’t know. I realize that what he says is true. He’s a powerful healer (like Shiya) and I was so blessed to have him as my son.

“You’re okay now.  You can do what you need to do in this life.  I’ll see you again soon.  Human life is short.”

Again, I want to argue but I find that this runs deep and true in me.  I know that I will see him again soon.  I know that I have work to do.  I know that for the first time in my life I am strong enough to do it.  The first time that I believe I am capable of doing meaningful work.

I had this dream/vision about five days ago and I think of it often.  I gives me strength when I am sad, when I want to curl up in a ball. I think of the dream/vision and Ayrie feels close to me.  Almost as though I can touch him.

At night when I am falling asleep I talk to Ayrie and I ask him if there’s anything he wants me to know.  I sa:

Do you have anything you want me to know Ayrie? I am going to try to clear my mind now Ayrie and listen and watch for a message from you.  But you know that as hard as I try, sometimes I can’t hear or see what you are telling me.  So keep trying, don’t give up on me, and I’ll keep working on keeping my heart and my mind open.  And if you have an important message, can you try to give it to me in a dream?  That seems to be the easiest way for me to hear and see you.  Okay.  I’m going to clear my mind now.  I love you.

I think he’s listening.  I think he’s talking. I am trying my hardest to see, hear, feel, trust, love, believe…..