beware…cliches and confused ramblings to follow.

i haven’t written since March.  in part I was so depressed for much of that time that in part, I couldn’t write.  in part, i just didn’t know what to say. in part,  i’ve been dating someone it was too soon to write about it.

this new (5 months) relationships has caused me to really go deep into myself and try to understand what i want, what i need, what i’m willing to change, what’s not negotiable, what’s real, what’s enduring, what’s my mind creating a problem when there isn’t one…

I used to think that love was about sharing things in common (we both like to take day hikes, listen to npr and red wine).  you know, the typical dating website list of characteristics and desires.  I thought that if you shared enough in common and had the elusive but much talked about ‘chemistry’ that affection would arise and deepen into love.

But i am experiencing something totally different.  i am with a person who doesn’t take day hikes, listen to npr or drink red wine.  but when I am with him i feel stronger.  i feel more centered.  i feel like there was a space in my heart that was waiting for him.  i  feel that i want to place my trust in him. i feel like shiya will flourish under his care.   i feel that i can’t imagine my life without him, that i want to grow and change with him, go through the good and the bad.  i know that with him i am becoming more of the person that i want to be. We don’t have to hike, or really do much of anything, just be together and share the small moments.

i glow when I’m with him. from the inside.

yesterday we were sitting in the back yard and i had my head on his shoulder and shiya was sitting on our laps.  Be was at our feet and a hawk was circling over head.  (you might remember from past posts that a hawk often appears when I am thinking of ayrie.) I can’t explain it but our family felt complete.  In that moment, Ayrie’s presence was as strong as if he was on our lap too.  I felt that given the cards I was dealt (tears in my eyes, grief and heart pain as I write this), given the fact that I can never have Ayrie back in this life, that this moment was everything I could want and ask for.

It scares this shit out of me.  For the first time I am letting myself be totally vulnerable.  Following my gut.  I worry…..It might not work out.  He might not feel the same.  If it doesn’t work, Shiya loses yet another person in his life….

But when Ayrie spoke to me after he passes it felt more real than anything I had felt before. And I was absolutely certain that I needed to commit to understanding the world in a different way, a world in which I could be open to the idea that Ayrie is still with us.

This feels similar.  A knowing that bigger than logic or concious reasoning.  I met him at a church that Shiya led me to (see here) and he has felt familiar to me since that very first day.  I feel certain that I am supposed to commit myself to him and to the family that he and Shiya and I make together.  I don’t know how I know this but I do.

A few months ago I asked some friends, “How did you know that the person you are with was ‘the one’?” But now I realize that when the person is ‘the one’ it’s simply a fact.  There’s no decision to make anymore about whether this person is or isn’t ‘the one.’  They just are.

So we’ll see.  Will all of this crash and burn?  More heart ache, loss and disappointment for me and Shiya?  Perhaps.  But it’s a risk that I am absolutely certain that I want to take.