Talking to you yesterday shifted something in me. Â I cried harder than i have cried since the first week ayrie died because IÂ realized that i killed him, that i should have moved to boston but i didn’t because i knew that it would be hard. Â So i didn’t move to boston and buried the part of me that told me that moving was something I must do to keep Ayrie alive. Â I held onto a hope that in my deepest depths knew was an impossible hope, that I could keep alive a child with a complicated airway when we live 1,500 miles from medical help. Â And that doctor? Â The one who was a jerk? Â Who told me that if I was going to take him to a doctor in Boston that I should just move to Boston? Â Turns out he was right. Â His delivery was deplorable but his message was true.
And now Ayrie’s dead and it’s my fault. Â Because I was too scared to make aÂ seeminglyÂ impossibleÂ decision. Â So instead i stayed here, trying to get the insuranceÂ companyÂ to cover Ayrie, to let him go to Boston, to raise enough money for plane tickets. Â It was wrong. Â It was so very wrong. Â And people told me i was strong and amazing and it always felt false to me. Â Well now I know why. Â Because in the deepest part of my being I knew that even though the fight to get Ayrie good medical care was hard, that I didn’t do what I needed to do because that was even harder.
i want to tell Ayrie how sorry i am. Â how i realize now that my weakness killed him. but it doesn’t matter. it’s too late. this was not a choice that i get a second chance on. Â i simply have to find out how to live with the knowledge that my fears were greater than my will to save my son. Â and that’s not going to be easy. Â i will not be too weak to raise shiya well but I remember a time not too long ago when Ayrie asked me, “What does it feel like to die, mom?” Â And I told him, “I don’t know, sweetie.” Â We were lying in the dark, hugging the same stuffed beaver together and I remember thinking, ‘i don’t know what it feels like but it doesn’t sound bad at all. it sounds like something that I might welcome.’
I am not suicidal. Â I absolutely am not so please don’t be worried. Â but I do wonder what the point of living is other than being shiya’s mom and that’s a very depressing place for me to be in my mind. Â I have to rediscover meaning and purpose knowing that I have to make up for my weaknesses that caused Ayrie’s death. Â Only my intuition will know what this meaning and purpose is. Â I pray that I have the strength to listen this time.
with the deepest sadness and full of regret,