Posted by in letters to the boys

I started this blog post sitting in the salon, getting my hair colored.  I told Jessika (who does my hair) that my entire inner self is changing and I want my outer self to be obviously different as well.  I told her that she can do anything she wants… turns out that she cut my hair short in the back and longer in the front with chunky stripes of bright blonde in my dark brown hair.  My face is almost entirely framed in blonde.  It’s shockingly different and for that I am grateful!  I was hoping for a stripe of pink or purple but we ran out of time.  I think I might still add it later….

I am continuing this blog post in the dark.  It’s nearly midnight and I’m home at my parent’s house in Keene, NH.  My parents and their golden retriever Ella are asleep downstairs.  I’m on a futon upstairs in the bedroom of my childhood with shiya snoring softly and sleeping deeply next to me.  Why am I up writing?  I have no idea.  I just know that as I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep words kept running through my head and a voice was telling me to write.  I don’t know why because I am not sure what to say… but the voice was so insistent that I felt compelled to comply….

I am sure even now that I won’t finish this blog post.  Too much has happened, too much is tangled up and I need time to follow each tangled thread before I can make sense of anything enough to write about it…. So much has been happening lately that I don’t know what to say… So I guess I should remember to take it one word at a time.

I haven’t felt Ayrie close to me in the way he was in those first few days.  I used to feel that the strength I had inside me was his.  I wrote about my heart sinking and Ayrie being there to catch it before it feel too far.  I wrote about searching the universe for answers and feeling a gentle hand collecting my searching thoughts and redirecting them inward.  He was there in a very real and tangible way.  He knew I had little inner strength left.  That I wanted to die.   But I’m getting stronger and he’s stepping back.  It’s like a parent teaching a toddler to walk.  At first the toddler needs lots of hand holding, hugs when they fall, cheers when they get back up again.  But as they gain strength, balance and confidence the parent steps away… still watching.  Still rejoicing in every step.  But with space.  I feel that this is what Ayrie is doing with me now.  He’s with me,  He’s watching and I think he’s bursting with pride… but he’s giving me the distance most conducive to letting me grow.  If I fall again he will be right back by my side.

Okay, I wrote the last paragraph on the day that I got my hair done but nowmi have another idea that i am turning over in my head.  Do you remember on of the blog posts that I wrote soon after aerie died where I felt my soul was moving over so a piece of his could join mine? What if it has become so natural tom have him there that I can’t feel him as distinct anymore? Have you ever had anything on your body change? Like dental work? At first every bite you take is strange because your teeth are a different shape.  But over time, and very quickly actually, you stop noticing that your teeth are different and it becomes utterly normal.  Maybe I am so accustomed to having Ayrie as a part of me now that it’s hard for me to feel it unless the feeling is more dramatic, more intense.  Last night, for instance, I was reviewing some of the conversations that I had been having over the past few days and making connections, wondering what there was in the (sometimes uncomfortable) conversations for me to learn.  I felt Ayrie there with me, quietly cheering me on when I was on the right path.

With my new found confidence and strength (patially from within me, partially from me, partially from the amazing healing and resilience that Shiya has shown me) I’ve found myself making a lot of spiritual discoveries.  This makes me feel very close to Ayrie because I am doing all of this because I promised him in his passing that I would be open.  So simply the act of being open, having new experiences and making discoveries make me feel closer to him, as though we are doing this together.

And on my path of discoveries I’ve learned about spirit guides.  I have been hearing and reading about them everywhere and I’ve been trying to connect with my spirit guide… I light candles before bed and invite Ayrie and my Spirit Guides to be with me that night and always, to help me know what I need to know to lead the best life for myself and the people I love.  I think that I am starting to feel something,  My dreams are so rich and meaningful and I even feel that I’m getting messages during the day.  Maybe Ayrie is one of my spirit guides?

A few weeks ago Jan Humphrey treated me to a day at clare’s well and her sister Gay (Ian’s mom) treated me to Integrated Light Therapy (IET) while I was there.  Clare’s Well is a 40-acre farm with a large farmhouse, hermitages, garden, lake and woods. The peaceful and natural surroundings are available at a really affordable rate to help rediscover (or discover in my case) their spirituality.  I was excited to try the IET but didn’t know anything about it.  I decided to keep it that way.  Knowing myself, I was sure that if I read about IET ahead of time seeds of skepticism would seed themselves in my mind and I would not be fully open to the experience.  So in order to be most fully open in mind and heart I walked into the practitioners room free of any knowledge about IET.

But backtracking,  here’s what happened that day.  We went to Calre’s WEll and had about half an hour before lunch.  DO Jan and I headed off in separate directions and I walked down a snowy slope, over a bridge and into the woods.  I took time to connect with nature using all of my senses, one at a time.  First I looked.  I watched a patch of trees, looking for small movements, nuances in the bark, patterns and shapes… and then I closed my eyes and looked up at the sun.  It offered no heat but the light behind my eyelids brought me great peace.  I said a silent thanks to Ayrie.  After that I focused on my sense of touch, feeling the wind on and around me.  And then I focused to sound, hearing the birds, the hum of truces on a faraway highway, a dog that I imagined was on a farm a few acres away…  And as I focused on each of these senses I paid attention to my breathing and to feeling my center.  Even though I cried a little bit, I felt relaxed as I walked back to the farm house.

I walked up the front steps to enter a cozy kitchen.  There were five Sisters, Jan and myself and another guest.  The Sisters prepare ‘earth friendly’ meals and ours was fabulous.  A broccoli and grape salad, a spicy squash casserole, homemade bread, a tofu dip and soup.  I told them about Ayrie and we talked about pain.  I tried to explain that some of my pain and some of my tears felt ‘good’ whereas others felt ‘bad’.  I tried to explain how it felt self-indulgent to cry over something that I can’t change.  The gently encouraged me to feel all of my pain without judgment.  They told me to let it move through me because, as they said, “Your gifts are wrapped inside of your pain.”  I asked them about the spiritual path that I am on, struggling to be open, wondering what I can do to better ‘receive’ what the universe has to teach me.  Again, gently, they told me to just be.  As long as I am open my spirit guides will find me and my intuition will talk to me.  Even though the path isn’t always easy, it shouldn’t be ‘hard work’.  Just let it happen they told me.  Be open, listen to yourself and you will know what to do when the time is right.

These were the thoughts swirling around in my head as I entered the warm sunlit filled wellness room.  I was greeted by Roxanne who ushered me into a small room with a massage table.  She asked if I know anything about IET and I told her that I didn’t, and that I just wanted to experience it without pre-conceived notions.  So she told me to lay down on the padded massage table and placed a small pillow under my head and knees.  She told me to just do what I need to do and feel what I need to fell.  Fidget, scratch, laugh, cry… just be in the moment and don’t try to censor myself.  She said that sometimes she would be touching me and other times she wouldn’t.  It was likely that she wouldn’t talk to me at all throughout the entire experience.

I laid down and  she turned on some soothing music.  She started by placing her hands on my chest and if I didn’t know better, I would have thought she had just warmed her hands up next to a fire.  They were radiating heat.  It also felt like they were vibrating and I wasn’t sure if she was moving them or not.  I heard her taking deep breaths and I got the sense that she was concentrating.  Eventually she moved up to my head and that’s when the colors happened.  It was amazing!!!  My world went black behind my eyelids and I saw the most deep and intense colors swirling around.  If she was near the top my head I could see indigo.  Lower down on my face was purple and my shoulders were fuscia.  She didn’t need to be touching me for me to see these colors.  I could see where she was as though my eyes were a heat sensor or an energy sensor.  It quickly got to the point that I could not feel my body any more and I was scared that my eye lids would open on their own… but I couldn’t keep them shut because I couldn’t feel them anymore.  I guess I felt like I wasn’t quite in my body at this point.  I just knew that I wanted so badly to stay in a mental and physical place where I could see these colors.  I imagined people taking peyote or other drugs just to have an experience like this.  It was beyond description.

When it was over she patted my feet and I felt and electric jolt travel through my body from my feet to my head.  A once I was back in my body and awake.  It wasn’t a violent reentry but it was abrupt and startling.

I asked her, “What did you learn about me?”  She told me that there was so much love in my life.  That at times the room was so warm with the energy of love that she had to force herself not to leave the room to escape the energy and cool off.

I didn’t feel any effects immediately or later that day, but over the next two weeks I felt more centered and more a part of the interconnected universe than I have since my backpacking days.

So what is IET?  It’s far out there, even for me with my new openness.  I found the IET website and they define IET this way:

IET uses the violet angelic energy ray, as brought to us through the nine Healing Angels of the Energy Field, to work directly with your 12-Strand Spiritual DNA. IET supports you in safely and gently releasing limiting energy patterns of your past, empowering and balancing your life in the present, and helps you to reach for the stars as you evolve into your future.

Yep.  It’s a good thing that I didn’t read anything ahead of time.  It was designed by an MIT professor who partners with Angels to bring healing to people through energy.  Apparently there is a World Angel Grid that IET healers are able to tap in to.  So I don’t know.  I don’t understand it and it’s out of my comfort zone but I felt something profound and I will definitely do it again.  Who am I to say angels don’t exist?