Life is What You Make It

Posted by in letters to the boys

Life is What You Make It

We’ve all heard this a thousand  times or more, right?  I think that I always agreed…  but I think that for the first time I am starting to understand.

This morning Shiya and I were cuddling outside in the cool, bright, clear, November sunshine as Be scurried about the yard.  We were talking about the birds, the sounds of the trees and Ayrie.  I hugged Shiya so tightly and said, “We were so lucky to have Ayrie.  He taught us so many important and beautiful things before he died.”  Shiya said “yeah-huh” and we just held each other and savored that feeling for a moment.  And I really felt it.  In my heart and being.  I was so blessed to have Ayrie.  As though I was chosen to receive a precious gift.

But I have chosen to feel this way.  It took a lot of work in the beginning to fill my consciousness and sub-consciousness with graciousness and gratitude rather than bitterness and resentment.  I could go around and tell myself angrily every day:  “I hate life. It’s so unfair.  Why was I given a child who was then taken away?  Why me?”  And rather than feeling like I had a precious gift, I would feel cheated and punished.

Same situation.  Different response.  Setting me up for two completely different paths to follow for the rest of my life.

And I keep asking myself these days, are these feelings I’m having real?  Are they delusional?  And then I ask myself, “Does it matter?”  Life is short.  And fast.  And it is a series of moments.  There is no truth that is understood by all humans.  So we have to make our own truths every day and every moment.  So if I choose beauty and love, it’s not delusional, it’s committing each moment to live the life on earth that I want to live.

So ‘Life is what you make it’… I think I’m starting to understand.