I came home to an amazing gift. Â My friend Alexis and her mom had gone through all of the photos that we had posted online, printed out favorites and created a scrap book. Â Unlike my scrapbooks which are just a collection of photos, this one told a story. Â A story of a shining child, a beautiful relationship between brothers and a loving family.
I was so touched. Â The project had clearly taken many days. Â I felt clear headed and able to talk on the phone so I dialed Lex’s number. Â No sooner did I started talking to her than I started to cry. Â And the more I talked, the harder I cried. Â And I realized, that’s what happens to me 75% of the time I talk to people. Â (The other 25% of the time I am in a fog and I wonder how words that make any sense could possible be coming out of my mouth).
And I realized that crying does not feel good. Â It is notÂ therapeutic. Â It is not cleansing. Â Instead it is dark to cry that deeply. Â It’s scary. Â It seems like there is an endless supply of sadness and tears. Â People say ‘Let yourself cry’ or ‘It’s healthy to cry’ but I can honestly say that there is absolutely nothing that feels good about crying over the loss of my beautiful child. Â It does not bring him back. Â It does not help me heal.
So instead I write. Â I can write and not cry. Â So thank you for reading and thank you for being on this journey with me.