Posted by in letters to the boys

I came home to an amazing gift.  My friend Alexis and her mom had gone through all of the photos that we had posted online, printed out favorites and created a scrap book.  Unlike my scrapbooks which are just a collection of photos, this one told a story.  A story of a shining child, a beautiful relationship between brothers and a loving family.

I was so touched.  The project had clearly taken many days.  I felt clear headed and able to talk on the phone so I dialed Lex’s number.  No sooner did I started talking to her than I started to cry.  And the more I talked, the harder I cried.  And I realized, that’s what happens to me 75% of the time I talk to people.  (The other 25% of the time I am in a fog and I wonder how words that make any sense could possible be coming out of my mouth).

And I realized that crying does not feel good.  It is not therapeutic.  It is not cleansing.  Instead it is dark to cry that deeply.  It’s scary.  It seems like there is an endless supply of sadness and tears.  People say ‘Let yourself cry’ or ‘It’s healthy to cry’ but I can honestly say that there is absolutely nothing that feels good about crying over the loss of my beautiful child.  It does not bring him back.  It does not help me heal.

So instead I write.  I can write and not cry.  So thank you for reading and thank you for being on this journey with me.