for some Reason

Posted by in letters to the boys

I had the most amazing experiences today up here in the north woods of MN.  I woke up at around 4:30am thinking that I heard a thump.  So I turned on the light only to see that Be and Shiya were still curled  up and sleeping soundly.  But rather than go back to bed I was drawn outside.  I kept trying to talk myself out of it… It’s too cold…just go back to sleep….. But the pull was so strong.  So I found my fleece and shoes and quietly slipped out the front door.  The air was warm, full, still and alive.  I sat down next to the front door and pulled on my shoes knowing that I had to go down to the water.  I made my way through the crunchy leaves, my path dimly lit by the full moon behind the clouds.  I made my way down the short hill to the sandy beach and on to the dock.

For some Reason I knew that I needed to walk to the end of the long dock and lay down on my back. So I walked to the edge, laid down and looked up.  It immediately felt spiritual.  It felt like the sky went on forever on every side and above me.  The clouds were a blanket over the sky but they were patterned, light,  and moving slowly, fully of shadows cast format the moonlight behind them.  I though “Oh Ayrie.  If you are up there I understand why you are trying to let me know that you are okay.” It’s almost achingly beautiful, full of a whole part of life that I could vaguely feel but couldn’t see.  Ayrie told me when he passed that I needed to watch for him because he’d be back and as I watch for him he’s showing me with such clarity that life neither begins nor ends with our birth or death.  I’m dense and slow to change, slow to believe.  In a moment like the one he shard with me o the dock I know this to be true.  I know it in a ways that is beyond intellectual knowing.

But when I am back here in bed with the moment further and further behind me my belief starts to waiver.  So I hope you will continue to be patient with me Ayrie, as you always were in your life.  Help me understand.   My heart and mind are as open as I am able to have them at this early time in my understanding.  I love you.