tears of gratitude

Posted by in letters to the boys

I never though I would be writing this post. I never thought that I would be able to say that when I thought of Ayrie I would cry tears of graditude instead of tears of grief.

Today I was getting into my car to leave for my shamanic soul retrieval I stopped because wasn’t sure what I should listen to in the car to “get my head into the right space”. Silence maybe? Drumming? Meditative music? Definitely not news and probably not one of my audio books…. And then all of the sudden I heard music. I looked around and realized that my ipad had started playing Mozart’s Requiem. I listened to this opera every day for months after Ayrie died. I would light some candles, let the music carry me and just sob. Sometimes on the floor, sometime just frozen, staring at the candle flames. So when my ipad started playing this piece all by itself I interpreted it as Ayrie telling me “I am with you today”.

expanding heartAnd as I heard the Requium’s familiar voices and instruments something in me shifted and I started to cry. My words here are inadequate. I want to try to describe what it feels like to discover that our physical world isn’t all there is to know. I want to try to explain all the synchronicity in my life, (especially over the last several weeks), and how I now understand what it means when people say we are all connected. I want to try to describe what a spiritual awakening feels like and how it’s so beautiful that I sometimes can’t even handle all of the sensations. How the pace of change is exponential. How the more I open I become the faster I become open. What it feels like to go from feeling apathetic about life to feeling honored to serve a greater purpose.

I truly believed that if Ayrie hadn’t died, and if he didn’t ask me to be open to his return (http://murphyboys.org/2010/11/30/ayries-last-day-part-iii/), that I would still be that apathetic person who scoffs at those who” delude themselves” with spiritual nonsense. But I feel excited now. Life is amazing and I truly feel that my life is about take some wonderful turns. I walk around with a sense of eager anticipation. It’s such a gift to be able to live life in this way. To realize that I am a tiny part of something infinite and that every tiny part is important. And to know that Ayrie and other spirit guides are by my side to help me ‘see’ more clearly.

So today I cried humble tears of gratitude. I am grateful to Ayrie. I am grateful to you. You who have read my posts over the past sixteen months and let me know that I’m loved. Who let me know that I could never fall too far because you are here to catch me, to send me notes, to hold my in your prayers, to send my blankets full of hugs, to send flowers…. You who has sent me private emails of your own spiritual awakening to let me know I’m not crazy… You who has told my how me and my family have impacted your life…You who encourages me to keep writing.

I love you all with my ever expanding heart.