new year’s eve

Posted by in letters to the boys

This year was heartbreaking.

I almost don’t want the new year to come because it somehow puts Ayrie more in the past.  I can’t stand the thought of space between me and Ayrie.  I am sitting alone in my house with calm music, candles lit and a photo of my beautiful ayrie among the lights and plants.  He feels so far away.  My memories of him are already indistinct.  More feelings and impressions and flashes than complete memories.

There are posts all over facebook.  New babies,  new relationships, new beginings, excitement for 2011.

All I can do is cry.  I lost my precious child.  Oh god, I wish I could go to.  I wish I didn’t have more that I need to do on this earth.  It’s so hard.  I feel an awakening within me.  A shift.  Something big is going to change and I don’t know what.

I think it’s going to be hard… like being a single mom was…. the shame… the judgement… the fear that my children would always have emotional angst that their father wasn’t around… oh I was so embarrassed and so unsure of every decision that I was making.

Being a single mom to my two boys was the best thing I ever did but there have been few days free of fear and regrets.

And now Ayrie is gone and I absolutely can’t be that fearful, self-hating, limited person anymore.  It hurts so much that Ayrie is gone.  It will hurt even more to know that I am not strong enough to honor the gifts that he gave me and Shiya… to see myself not freeing Shiya to be amazing and limitless.

I have come to believe that we live and die, live and die, live and die… As Ayrie would say, “I love you to eternity” and I think he know more than me when he chose those words.  We really will love each other to eternity.  He and Shiya and I are connected.  Life on earth is a classroom and each of us has out own lesson to learn.  I think my lessons in this life are to vastly increase my capacity for forgiveness and love, and to be more open and trusting of the universe.  Before Ayrie and Shiya I hated myself, my life, kept a distance from everyone except those that I could never actually be close to (like their dad), and felt every slight so personally, holding grudges for a long, long time.  I believed in science and nothing else.  It was a terrible way to live.  But life with Ayrie and Shiya taught me that I have to accept help, and that mutual help is the basis for community.  That I must accept and give love freely.  That holding a grudge hurts me and my children much more than the people I am angry at.  And in Ayrie’s passing and with Shiya’s emerging psychic abilities I am starting to understand the power and beauty of the universe.  Nothing about my world now is as it was… except that I am still fearful, still fat and still living in every moment except the present.  So there you have it.  I guess those are the basis for my new year’s resolutions.


Shiya eventually came downstairs from Emily and Ian’s and we turned off all of the lights and lit more candles.  We lit incense and sang the song that we made up soon after Ayrie died, “I love Shiya, I love me, I love Ayrie and I love Be.”  We also repeated the following LovingKindness meditation:

May I be in peace.
May my heart remain open.
May I awaken to the light which is my true nature.
May I be healed.
May I be a source of healing for all beings.

I was a peaceful and loving way to end the year.