â€œBut Shiyaâ€™s still here!â€
â€œWe see Ayrie soon?â€, Shiya asked tonight.
â€œNo,â€ I told Shiya. Â Ayrieâ€™s not coming back.
â€œMaybe tomorrow? Â After we sleep?â€
â€œNo,â€ I said again.
â€œMaybe just for a little bit?â€
â€œNo,â€ I told Shiya. Â â€œAnd it makes me feel very sad. Â It makes my heart hurt.â€
â€œBut Shiyaâ€™s still here!â€, Shiya exclaimed.
â€œYou are, and that makes me so happy,â€ I said and gave him a tight hug.
Next Shiya and I sat in the hallway outside Shiya & Ayrie’s bedroom and talked to Ayrie. Â Shiya told me that Ayrie was up in the sky so we looked up towards the sky while we talked to Ayrie. Â We told him how we missed him and love him. Â Shiya told me that Ayrie is okay and he reached up into the air with his right hand and closed it around some air. Â He told me that he was holding a baby Ayrie and put his hand to my mouth so I could kiss Ayrie. Â And then he put Ayrie on my chest, over my heart, and kept pointing to me heart and telling me that Ayrie was â€œright thereâ€.
We got into bed soon after and shiya climbed into bed with a tiny neopsporin spray bottle and he was pretending to spray my heart to make it â€œfeel all betterâ€. Â And then he played doctor with his two giraffes and the giraffe named Taye (Shiyaâ€™s middle name) was sad because he missed his brother. Â So Shiya put neosporin on his heart too. Â And then he did a lot of other things to the giraffe to make him feel better while periodically taking a break to put more neosporin on our hearts.
I have a cold so I started coughing once we layed down. Â Shiya was really worried because I was sick and he said, â€œMommy sick but she not die, right?â€ Â And I assured him that I wasnâ€™t going to die. Â That I had a cold and it was a different kind of sick than Ayrie had. Â He made me promise that I wouldnâ€™t go to the doctorâ€™s.
I just found your blog. My heart breaks for you and Shiya. I already thought you were an amazing mom before; I didn’t realize how amazing. You have such a great spirit.
He is right. Shiya IS still here! And he is such a sweet boy. There will be live music at the Midtown Global Market on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. Would you like to join us? Or can we take Shiya for a little while and give you some time for yourself? Please feel free to say yes or no to either.
Lots of hugs for both of you!
How challenging to mourn and not strike fear into our young ones who are experiencing this loss with us. It amazes me how little ones like Shiya find the words and gestures to try to comfort us, the adults, when they see us in pain. It is so difficult to have a child young enough to not understand the physical loss is forever and to field the question of when their brother will return- but, then again, a blessing because they can reach to that place beyond us and teach us how to connect with something beyond our physical realm- because they are also too young to have heard that it is “not possible”. It is no wonder that native American peoples believed children spoke the “language of the grandmother”- the creator- and maybe they really do. HUGS to you both.
A beautifully stunning entry about the quiet time together honoring Ayrie and your losses. Shiya clearly has overflowing wisdom too and I know you will embrace each other as time goes. A huge hug to you and your family.
Nora – Ayrie was an amazing boy; Shiya is an amazing boy; they shared an amazing Mom. Thinking of you — valerie
I cannot stop thinking of you and Shiya and Ayrie. I cannot imagine what you feel and what you are going through during this difficult time. If you don’t feel like you have the strength to get through this…think again…because we all know the strength you have. I’m glad that Shiya has you as a Mom to help him understand. Shiya is a lucky little boy! lots of love, Nora! -Erin
This is a beautiful story. We met once or twice at Lill Street. I am married to Les, a potter. I had the honor of holding your little boy. He was beautiful. Les and I are thinking of all of you and holding you close in our hearts. We send you love and more love.
Nora, you have created amazing children. Shiya will help you through this. You will both keep Ayrie’s memory alive. Such a sweet story, thank you for sharing. It helps to know that you are in Shiya’s competent hands.
Hope you guys are doing ok. If you want to come over anytime give us a call.
I fell asleep tonight thinking about how I could miss someone I never actually knew. Thank you for this new entry to your blog, Nora. Your openess is so brave. This story of Shiya and his attempts to heal the pain you both feel just demonstrates what an amazing mother you truly are.
Nora, What a beautiful connecting and healing experience for you both. Shiya is wise beyond his years just as Ayrie was/is, knowing you carry Ayrie forever in your overflowing hearts. Thank you for sharing with us and for yourself too. You will look back on these tender times and be glad for all you have recorded.