Excuse my language, but check out this “stages of grief” bullshit. Really? Return to a meaningful life characterized by employment, self-esteem and meaning? It’s amazing that this model has been the dominant model since the 1960’s.

September 29th marks 2-years since Ayrie’s death and I miss him so much sometimes that it takes away my breath, my will to live.

Last night I had a dream about him. He came back. But no one cared. Everyone forgot about him. They were going on with their lives around me. No one would listen. No one would look our way.

And I didn’t even get a chance to hold him. I should have done that first. But I didn’t. And I woke up. I would give anything to hold him, even if just in my dreams. He’s only in my dreams every four months or so and it always feels so real.

I miss you so much Ayrie. There is no way that this grief ends, or that there is a “Return to meaningful life” after “Acceptance.”

At my age people are married and settled down. I feel uncomfortable and out of place. No man loves me. I’m not sure if one ever has. So Shiya loses out on a brother and a father. And he has a mother fighting through grief. I am so sorry Shiya. I am so very, very sorry. So today I’m mourning the loss of Ayrie, the absence of the love I’ve never had, the family I haven’t been able to build, and the friends that meant so much to me but have left me.

Oh, life. I’m trying. But I feel so lost.