The Murphy Boys

kinkos

Posted by in letters to the boys

That that one word, ‘kinkos’, reminded me that I am part of something much larger and much more mysterious than I can understand or even imagine. and that is incredibly comforting.

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The Guest House

Posted by in letters to the boys

Over the past few weeks of nearly unbearable grief, I found comfort in these words. THE GUEST HOUSE This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice. meet them…read more

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liberation & inner security

Posted by in letters to the boys

A human being is a part of the whole, called by us “Universe”, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest — a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the…read more

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ptsd and panic

Posted by in letters to the boys

The Mayo Clinic defines PTSD this way: Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a type of anxiety disorder that’s triggered by a traumatic event. You can develop post-traumatic stress disorder when you experience or witness an event that causes intense fear, helplessness or horror. Intense fear, helpless and  horror describes my last three years pretty well.  Ok. So what at the symptoms? Symptoms may include: Upsetting dreams about the traumatic event Feeling emotionally numb Avoiding activities you once enjoyed Hopelessness about the future Memory problems Trouble concentrating Difficulty maintaining close relationships Overwhelming…read more

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Trust in mystery. Trust in love.

Posted by in letters to the boys

Over the past few days I really relied on my friends and family near and far.  I didn’t talk to many people in person or over the phone because for some reason I felt like I need to hold my grief close.  But I reached out through my blog and facebook and your response was overwhelming.  Every few minutes, it seemed, someone was thinking of us, sending us love, holding us in the light and sharing memories.   You can read much of what people wrote here. I had wanted Ayrie’s…read more

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all the boundless buoying love in one place

Posted by in letters to the boys

trust in love. trust in mystery. this was ayrie’s message for this last night through a shaman. and by the end of the day i could feel that seed of joy and gratitude that ayrie nurtures for me. Below are some of the messages that people shared with me through facebook on Ayrie’s 5th birthday and the very challenging days leading up to his birthday.  Although the constant stream of affirmations was exactly what I needed, few of the messages were able to piece through the thick haze of grief….read more

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The Day Before

Posted by in letters to the boys

A good friend who writes a great blog wrote this today for me.  Click here to see more from Basekamp Laundry Mountain.  Thank you, my friend, for reminding me not just to grieve tomorrow but to celebrate. SO many posts are running through my head but the one I need to write TODAY is this one- because tomorrow I can’t say all that needs to be said today. Today is Tuesday. Today is just another day. Today is the day before the 5th birthday of a child of a wonderful…read more

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shower

Posted by in letters to the boys

i keep taking showers today as though hot water might wash away the pain as though hot water might wash me away bit by bit until i cease to exist

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the tree

Posted by in letters to the boys

okay.  so here’s what happened to the best of my memory.  (yes, I should have written this down right away.  why didn’t I?) I think that the most important part was the feeling, not what actually happened. You know the voice I hear?  the one that tells me things?  Like… Ayrie telling me he’ll be back. …Or the voice telling me to walk out to the dock on a cold night, lay on my back and look up at the night sky, making me see the infinite universe in a new…read more

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the ways in which ayrie is still with us

Posted by in letters to the boys

I’m amazed at the ways in which ayrie is still with us, by number of people he watches out for and takes care of.  I’m beginning to really feel how connected all humans are with the universe and I think that as I keep my mind open and I am going to see that the connections are deeper and more vast than I ever imagined.  While I seem to sense him through my visions, with other people he seems to be much more physical.  I have one friend that has…read more

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