Five years ago today I was boarding a plane with Ayrie for Boston. I was scared by Ayrie’s breathing. It was so hard for him. But I was expecting him to have nothing but another routine surgery. We had done this twenty times before. Hours later he tucked in for the night in a newly renovated room at MEEI. I was in the bed next to his, reading. I was in a PhD program at the time and always reading. I felt so good that we had made it to the hospital and were in the hands of people we trusted. I felt almost relaxed for the first time in days. He died unexpectedly hours later.

It’s almost inconceivable to me that I’ve made it through these past years. And yet, I have. Shiya is thriving. I’m still learning what it means to be open and follow my heart. I’ve met someone who makes me so very happy, and we’re creating a life with more mystery, joy and meaningful moments than I ever dared hope for.

Through it all, I feel Ayrie’s presence. It’s not the same as having him here, of course. But during those times when the pain is unbearable and I feel like my grief could undo me, I feel his hand under my heart, his arms around me, and his wisdom coursing through my mind.

One way Ayrie has communicated with us over the years is through dreams. I’ve only had a few about Ayrie, other people have had them more frequently than I. They feel more like ‘visits’ than dreams. And the message he always shares is, “I am here”. Four years ago, on the eve of the first anniversary of this death, he delivered this message to Gaylyn Bicking in a dream. He was insistent that she write it down when she woke up. Thankfully she did.

Message from Ayrie

You are not alone
I am here
Ask me a question
and I will answer
Listen hard
I know you can

Feel my love
I loved you in life
and you loved me
We loved each other
strong and true
There was never
any doubt

Smile when you
think of me
We used to laugh a lot
We still can
if we let ourselves

I am Ayrie
and you are my love

I love you ayrie.